My Little Friend

 

 

 My little friend was a dear friend in those endless dreaded days.

He though so small kept me in line with all my foes.

When I am old and grey, I will cry out to the nothingness for him

But he will not answer my little call. For he is now gone.

Will I ever hear his little cry again?

Or am I to death to hear such a little thing?

 My little friend was my only friend for a long time.

My little friend is no more.

My sweet dear was and will always have my love.

Fate yet had a hold on my dear and took him away.

 My little friend shared my tears and always knew when I needed him.

My little dear talked to me though you would not understand

He always had his little smug face

And demanding attitude, the little asshole,

But He did loved me and I him.

 My dear love may now live in peace.

No more little folk around disturbing his sleep.

No little hands pulling his tail.

No one telling him that he is wrong.

My sweet little one is but gone.

My dear was so very sweet, but yet so straight.

Was there anyone so smart?

Was there any who cared for him too?

He was the one who loved me and came whenever I should have called.

My little sweet is gone and will never calm my mind.

My tears now flow ceaselessly.

My little one is gone forever.

When the day came, I wished it gone,

And for him to stay safe in my arms.

But never can one stop death if that is God’s plan.

I am now alone, yet not entirely.

I have my Lord who watches my sleep.

My soul is but beaten and lonely.

Save for my Lord I will always be lonely deep within.

Good bye my sweet one.

But I cannot say that without tears,

Oh, my sweet little friend.

Good bye, my little one.

 

Artemis, My Friend

How do you wake up and start the day? How do you open your eyes after crying all night long? Your best friend is gone. He was there through thick and thin. He comforted you and helped you feel safe. Do you pretend you are okay to get through the day? Do you pretend it didn't happen? Or do you let the agony sink in that you are alone? 

My best friend was my cat, Artemis. Most won't understand the relationship I had with him and most think it absurd that my best friend was a cat. I'm not a crazy cat lady, if that is what you are thinking. I just had the one and he was a registered emotional support companion.  I wasn't crazy and didn't take him with me to the store or anything but he did travel with me when I moved states. He was a trooper for staying in a kennel for the 8+ hour drives. He hated every minute, but he never wanted to part from me. Anytime I needed someone to foster him, he became upset. He tolerated his foster families but I was his person. 

Artemis was a sweet little gray tabby kitten when I found him on my parents' front porch January 2012. He was two months old and was pretty sick. He needed someone to care for him. He needed a friend. My parents reluctantly allowed me to keep him and I will forever be grateful as he became my saving grace. He had various parasites and worms. I took him to the vet and did what was needed to be done and essentially saved his life. Little did I know he would save mine. 

A few months later, my brother was kicked out of our home for sexually abusing myself and my sister. It was not his first offense. The world focused on my sister as she suffered a little more physically than myself. I became more reserved than I already was and felt alone. I had no one to talk to except Artemis. He listened patiently as I spilled my words of pain. He might have been a bit judgemental but you never know with cats. I had lost my brother. 

I felt more alone as I ventured out into the world after I graduated high school that spring. I lost many friends over what my brother had done. I was an outcast. I was already a wallflower but now it was like I was a pariah. It wasn't fair of them but they didn't understand nor I do I think that they ever would. And that's ok.

I started a job as a nanny for a family of 4 in need. The mom was working full time and needed a helper to make sure her three children were safe and got to school on time each day. It was a hard job, but a good job. I'll always look back at this time with fondness. Little did I know I would end up in a similar circumstances.  

Outside of various jobs I held through the next few years, I felt alone save for Artemis. I would come home and the first one I wanted to see was him. Sometimes he drove me crazy by leaving me dead birds in my bed as gifts, but now I would give almost anything to deal with that again. Almost...I read to him sometimes. He probably thought I was nuts, but I knew he was a smart kitty. 

I was constantly asking God to end my life. I wasn't exactly suicidal and I would not inflict self harm intentionally,  but that did not mean I didn't wanted to be done. Everytime I asked God told me He was not done with me yet. He kept telling me to breathe and reminded me that if I went no one would be there for Artemis. My parents would have taken him to the pound. 

Eventually I met my ex-husband.  I had low self-esteem and didn't know my worth. I allowed myself to be in this relationship that should not have happened. I married him six months later. Artemis did not like him one bit. I was told that once he boxed my ex because he was mad at him. Eventually he grew to tolerate him, but not before being forced to live with 35 other stay cats my ex had living on his property.  That was too much. I never want to live with that many again. 

I found out I was pregnant in March 2016.  That sweet little boy became my new reason for living. Artemis would have to take a back seat for now. Then I had my daughter at the end of 2017. My son was barely a year old. Artemis was not happy, but he understood what his job was now. He was very protective of them and myself. I know if someone tried to hurt us he would have tried to help. 

Near the end of 2018 we moved up to Oregon. Artemis loved the open spaces and he loved that it was not as hot. He did not, however, like the snow. He also liked that there was not as many cats in his home. We only took one other cat, Camo, with us to Oregon. He's kind of wacko, but a sweet cat. I left him in Oregon with my ex. 

Life became rocky and messy. My marriage was over. My kids needed to be safe from the abuse and all of the lies. Enough is enough. We moved back to California. Artemis was not a fan of the drive once again, but it would be his last long drive. 

Artemis had to be fostered for the second time in his life. The first was after I moved out of my parents. He started being problematic and my roommates said he had to go. I found a new place just a few short months later. This time felt longer. I really needed him. I finally knew my worth, but mentally I still felt alone. I tried to explain to my family my relationship with him and what went on in my head but it was not easy. I pushed forward for my kids. They needed me and I needed Artemis and them. It was hard. I shut down. I strained relationships which I didn't mean to do and I'm still trying to repair them. I never felt more alone internally then I did as i was surrounded by family who loved me. 

Time has passed, but not much since I ended that chapter. Artemis was a healthy boy and kept me sane. He had kept me off anti-anxiety medication. I worry now that I will have to start taking them.  Just knowing he was there kept me at ease even if I had a meltdown. 

In January 2022 I met a wonderful man who has become part of my family. He loves my kids as his own. He loves me. He had a soft spot for Artemis and the cat actually liked him. It was interesting to see Artemis would actively seek him out for attention. 

This man would only know Artemis for 10 months. I came home from work one night and Artemis told me he was in pain. He could barely move. My heart ached. I didn't know what to do in the middle of the night, but I wanted to see if just waiting it out would be okay. But then after about 2am the cat started coughing stuff up. I looked and saw nothing in the dark. In the morning I had found he was choking up bile. He was worse. In my heart I knew something was terribly wrong. 

I took Artemis to the vet. He had his urinary tract blocked. Unless I had a grand to hand over it was the end. I already knew it was my last day with him. My heart shattered. I didn't want think I would lose him yet. God, however,  had different plans. Painfully I acknowledged the look on Artemis's face as he begged me to end his suffering. 

I told him I would be okay. I told him he would be okay. I told him I would never forget him. He was apart of me. Not many will understand this connection, but what it is worth that cat saved my life and I saved his.  I just couldn't save him this time. That will hurt my soul for as long as I live. 

God has a plan and this part of my life is over. Was Artemis only here to keep me alive? Was he only here to get me out of a bad spell? What I do know is that he lived a good long full life. He spent his life mostly happy and secure. He loved me and my kids. He loved his life. He chose me. He knew I needed him. Even though he is gone and my heart has not stopped breaking, I am really okay. I am not broken. I am perfectly as God intended I should be. It took a long time to realize it and I did need Artemis to keep pushing forward. God used him as a reminder to fight for something in life. I now have my children for that. I also have my own self worth. I fight for them and myself. I am worth it. 

My best friend is gone, but he remains in my heart. I don't need a pet anymore to be my best friend. No one should have to feel as alone as I was when Artemis found me. I still ache in pain as I think about how much I miss him. This pain will not abandon me anytime soon, but it is worth it. I do not want to forget all that he did for me. I do not want to forget him. He was an amazing friend, although he was judgmental and rude sometimes. 

I will miss him trying to eat trash bags; honestly I thought that might kill him. I will miss him at the bottom of my bed at night. I will miss his smart-ass self as he figured out how to ring doorbells and open doors. He was a stinker with a mind of his own, but he was a sweetheart. Goodbye my dear friend. 

Stormy Skies

Waiting here so wondering what is next. I am about to leave the world I have always known; the people I love have to say goodbye. I'm terrified and I shake with cold. Why is this so hard? Why don't I want to leave? My family? They already shut me out. My friends? They have already gone. One by one they have decided I'm not worth it. If I don't go I have no place to call my own. If I go I will be on my own with my little family I have started.
I have nothing here. But I have nothing there either. God? Will you forsake me too? I am stranded, standing on the edge. Do I jump into uncertainty or do I step back in defeat? Or am I already defeated?
My heart crushed by bitterness aches to be free. Stupid heart, you broke and now you are just beginning to heal, are you really strong enough for this journey? I sense I light at the end telling me that if I leave I can leave every pain, every scrap, each stabbing wound. But will I truly be free, I wonder!
I'm drowning in pain, rage, and sorrow. My joy is slowly growing, but I'm afraid I will lose it in an instant. As far as I can see on the horizon are swelling, angry black clouds, howling winds, and crashing, rolling thunder. This is the storm in me. It started forever ago. Sometimes it calms, but never fully disapates.  I long for sunny, bright cloudless skies. I long for lush green lands and happiness. Babbling brooks and sweet singing birds are my hopes.
This land I travel has potential, but is it what I need to put all behind me? Father, is this my destiny? Is this my chance to break free from all agonizing pains? Free me from my storm, oh Lord!

Forgiveness

Finding the words to say has been a terrifying problem. I have lived in doubt and fear. I have lived without forgiveness. I cared but not enough. I loved but not the right kind of love. I have lived in fear of myself and who and what I could be. And now here I am not much has changed in my circumstances. I till doing a dead end job, but at least I have one. I've been trying to learn how to love again. My question was how can I love when I have been done wrong. That wasn't the question. I should have been asking. God loved me enough to die for me. He didn't have to but He did. He forgave me when he didn't have to. Who am I to withhold it from someone else?

These past few weeks I have learned how to speak up when I'm afraid. I have learned how to forgive with Christ's love. I have learned that sometimes it's okay to be exactly where you are in life. My brother emotionally abused me. I forgive him. My biological father refused my existence if I wasn't his. I forgive him. I had a friend who stopped being my friend over some boy. I admit I didn't make the right decisions but I apologized. She still won't talk to me. I forgive her. Why? Because God didn't withhold Himself from me. Why should I withhold it from them?
I'm no longer angry at those who have done me wrong. No, instead I pity them. I don't hate them either. I love them with Christlike love. I don't need to see them again in my life, but at least I can forgive the damage done. I hope they find Christ and find that His love and His mercy is so much more than I can describe. My His love fill them and I hope He continues to teach me. 

Easter's True Message

Here I go again. Today I am completely mesmerized. I'm shattered and feeling and explicit peace. Doesn't make sense, I know. But when someone gives their life for yours despite your sins, what can you then do? Say thanks? How can you say thanks to a dead man? How can you pay back such a big debt?
That's right, you can't! How then would you feel when you see the man that died for you come back to life? Shocked, relieved, angry? He paid the ultimate price for what you did, not what he did. How humbling is that?!
The only payback is your life. Everyday you live according to his will. Not as a slave, but as a willing free man. Such a big price for your sins. The price of sin is death, but we are sanctified through Christ who laid down his life for ours. Remember this day and remember to serve God even in the little things today. Ask your neighbor how he's doing and actually listen. Tell your children of Christ's sacrifice. Tell them that they can be anything if they have enough faith in God. He opens doors and guides our paths.
Forgive each other for everything~ don't hold onto that grudge. Did Christ hold one against you? I thought not. He is risen!

Unconditional Divinity

The idea of absolution is impossible. A definite always or outcome is not known. We are a dismal species. God is unchangeable, definite, and unconditional. If this is true how can man in his entire imperfections be definite or perfect? The only things that are positive are our birth from God and our need for His Son and Spirit. Our creation has been for one purpose.

            Man has tried to find that purpose by manmade objects. Therefore everything is imperfect and our answers are not definite. Our purpose is the belief in God and once we find Him and lay down our trespasses we are to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.[1] Therefore, they are before the throne of God and serve him at night in his temple, and he who sits on the throne will spread his tent over them, never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.”[2] In this there is hope, a hope of everlasting life with Him in His Kingdom. His unconditional love will lead us there if we choose to believe in Him and serve Him.

            We think we are definite in our breath, but life isn’t a sure thing. God creates life and He destroys it. Today we might live, but tomorrow no one knows. We live in assumption that God will allow us our days so we plan. We plan little things, we plan big things, and we plan a lot of different things. It could be as little as grocery shopping to as big as a festival. But this is what life is. Life is to exist and to exist we have to live. But in these things we just talk about the body. Our souls are definite because of God’s breath of life and his likeness. We have emotions and the knowledge as to what is right or wrong. Our souls have paths they take, but they are not known to us. We think we choose those paths but God does. Since we cannot understand everything, we cannot see the outcome.

            This is way we must pray and believe in our blessed Lord. We need a guide to life. We cannot live in this world that has fallen apart and fallen hard. Our life must be lived through the Spirit. When we follow the Spirit we are called heirs and children of God. Romans 8:1-17 spells it out completely: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,

because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

            “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and peace, the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

            “You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

             “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation- but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; gut if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds for the body, we will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”[3]

            Life as we know it is not as we perceive. We are blinded by everything in front of us. We are destroyed by our own pride. Our pride is only a small picture of the sinful nature. We must let of all that defines us as human – our pride and self-preservation. As heirs in Christ we must be humble and allow God His right to determine our fate since He created it. In a word, give back to God what is already His. Our devotion and dedication should be His, but we are still controlled and allow ourselves to be controlled by the sinful nature.

            It is in Christ we find salvation. We cannot achieve it on our own. He is our hope and by it we are saved. “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, be we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in

this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

            “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”[4]

The answer is simple: trust in the Spirit of God and He will pour His love into you as His and adopted child. However, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”[5] Instead “Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”[6]  Remember as well “If you make the Most High your dwelling—even the Lord, who is my refuge—then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”[7]

            “Therefore don’t lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”[8]

            We hope in what is definite and lasting assurance is God. God is thus because He is unseen and since His Son and Spirit are always present we can discern what is right and do what is right. When we fix our eyes on Him our feet are firmly planted so that we do not stumble, but when we turn away we fall. Those He loves unconditionally He catches. The Spirit does not push us down. Our own pride is an enabler for the enemy. He sees our doubt and uses it against us. He is just waiting for an opening, a void he can fill with the sinful nature. Seeds of doubt and transgression are his tools. If we holdfast in Christ, He will pick us up again.

            It is the hope and faith in God that keeps us alive in Him. The enemy is arrogant. He thinks he holds more power than he does. He likes to feast on our fears and uses them to push us down. It is then that Christ picks us up again. If our hope and faith are in God we can live. The idea of eternity is only true in God. His love is surreal and is unconditional. It heals us and makes us the

heirs of His Kingdom. For this we must pray to God. His love fills us with hope. How can Divinity of God not be real or unconditional?

---

 1 The Shorter Catechism with scripture proofs and notes by Roderick Lawson

[2] Holy Bible New International Version, Revelation 7:15-17

[3] The Holy Bible New International Version

[4] The Holy Bible New International Version Romans 8:22-27

[5] The Holy Bible New International Version 1 Corinthians 15:33

[6] The Holy Bible New International Version Psalm 90:12

[7] The Holy Bible New International Version Psalm 91:9-12

[8] The Holy Bible New International Version 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Fearfully Angered - is it Justified?

   How does one fight for what has been gone for such a long time? How do you move on after losing your closest friend? How does one pick up t he pieces and not feel so alone? What category can you place the betrayal of your own brother? What do you say and do?
   I'm so lost. I'm frightened and I feel as if I'm in a bubble. I'm too afraid to let it pop. I feel safe here; I don't want to go. I'm told I don't push myself to do things. It's true. But I'm scared of what I don't know and what I cannot see. I try not to get to close to anything or anyone. I'm afraid I'll lose it. Every time I have. What am I to do?
   Something inside of me is broken, something that cannot be mended again. I've list something so valuable that can't be replaced. It has been gone for so long that I can't remember when it disappeared. I'm scared it will never be reconciled. I'm scared that I'm to far in disrepair to be mended again.
   I'm scared, nervous,  and filled with such a burning anger and hatred. I'm frightened by my own fire. I'm nervous that it will smolder and then erupt in a massive thunder. I'm angry at being betrayed by my own brother and best friend. I'm filled with such a hatred at what he did.
  Is it right to burn so hot and furiously? So dangerously? I'm burning up and battling so many demons. Are they my own or someone else's remaining torture for me? It's so dark; I'm screaming in such fright. Inside I'm raging war and malice but I remain composed on my cover. How?
    What strength have I left? I'm at the breaking point- ready to be consumed by darkness. Oh, Father, have You rejected my cry, my plea?  Am I truly the bane of another's choice? Must I fight for my right? My own life exists at another's fault. Must I continue to drown in their ruins and choke upon my own inequities? I cannot do this anymore. 
   They wonder at my fear. Oh God! It's more than I can bear! It's a nightmare; I'm scared to sleep. I'm almost to afraid to breathe. It's a tragedy to great a weight.  I know when I'm not wanted. It's cold and dismal. My own father didn't want me when I was conceived.  No wonder I crave a home.
  Since birth I have been refused my right to even be. My father hated my existence. My mother couldn't even look after herself.  My brother betrayed me. And the world wonders why I'm so insecure.  What am I?
    Father,  my King, have you truly been my only friend? I've looked but I have chosen faulty.  How could one foresee a brother's betrayal? Maybe I should have remembered Jacob, Esau, Cain, Abel, Tamar, Absalom  and Amnon. Since the dawn of time there has been betrayal and manipulation.
   You brought me here and it was safe. But someone prodded and angered the tiger. An evil lurked hidden in someone close, one I thought I'd have for forever. I was deceived, violated, and betrayed.  Does love have to hurt this much?
    That's when You gave me Charity- proof that people are here and I'm not alone. I'm tired of being numb. Does the pain ever heal? The gravity of the emptiness almost consumed me, but You sent Your Son. He wiped away my tears, but the fear lingers. How does one let go? God! I am dying to. Will it fade?
  All my doubts and aspirations were lifted. My anger, hatred, and fear still gnaw at me. Is it right? Is it okay to burn with determined and pointed aggregated fury? Is my anger justified? Is my fear even rational? When will my skies clear?  When will the anger subside? When Will I stop being so afraid? When Father? When will You show Your Face? When will this war be won?