Fearfully Angered - is it Justified?

   How does one fight for what has been gone for such a long time? How do you move on after losing your closest friend? How does one pick up t he pieces and not feel so alone? What category can you place the betrayal of your own brother? What do you say and do?
   I'm so lost. I'm frightened and I feel as if I'm in a bubble. I'm too afraid to let it pop. I feel safe here; I don't want to go. I'm told I don't push myself to do things. It's true. But I'm scared of what I don't know and what I cannot see. I try not to get to close to anything or anyone. I'm afraid I'll lose it. Every time I have. What am I to do?
   Something inside of me is broken, something that cannot be mended again. I've list something so valuable that can't be replaced. It has been gone for so long that I can't remember when it disappeared. I'm scared it will never be reconciled. I'm scared that I'm to far in disrepair to be mended again.
   I'm scared, nervous,  and filled with such a burning anger and hatred. I'm frightened by my own fire. I'm nervous that it will smolder and then erupt in a massive thunder. I'm angry at being betrayed by my own brother and best friend. I'm filled with such a hatred at what he did.
  Is it right to burn so hot and furiously? So dangerously? I'm burning up and battling so many demons. Are they my own or someone else's remaining torture for me? It's so dark; I'm screaming in such fright. Inside I'm raging war and malice but I remain composed on my cover. How?
    What strength have I left? I'm at the breaking point- ready to be consumed by darkness. Oh, Father, have You rejected my cry, my plea?  Am I truly the bane of another's choice? Must I fight for my right? My own life exists at another's fault. Must I continue to drown in their ruins and choke upon my own inequities? I cannot do this anymore. 
   They wonder at my fear. Oh God! It's more than I can bear! It's a nightmare; I'm scared to sleep. I'm almost to afraid to breathe. It's a tragedy to great a weight.  I know when I'm not wanted. It's cold and dismal. My own father didn't want me when I was conceived.  No wonder I crave a home.
  Since birth I have been refused my right to even be. My father hated my existence. My mother couldn't even look after herself.  My brother betrayed me. And the world wonders why I'm so insecure.  What am I?
    Father,  my King, have you truly been my only friend? I've looked but I have chosen faulty.  How could one foresee a brother's betrayal? Maybe I should have remembered Jacob, Esau, Cain, Abel, Tamar, Absalom  and Amnon. Since the dawn of time there has been betrayal and manipulation.
   You brought me here and it was safe. But someone prodded and angered the tiger. An evil lurked hidden in someone close, one I thought I'd have for forever. I was deceived, violated, and betrayed.  Does love have to hurt this much?
    That's when You gave me Charity- proof that people are here and I'm not alone. I'm tired of being numb. Does the pain ever heal? The gravity of the emptiness almost consumed me, but You sent Your Son. He wiped away my tears, but the fear lingers. How does one let go? God! I am dying to. Will it fade?
  All my doubts and aspirations were lifted. My anger, hatred, and fear still gnaw at me. Is it right? Is it okay to burn with determined and pointed aggregated fury? Is my anger justified? Is my fear even rational? When will my skies clear?  When will the anger subside? When Will I stop being so afraid? When Father? When will You show Your Face? When will this war be won?