Another Story in the making: Desire for Freedom

     My throat tightened as I felt the blood splatter across my face. I hated this job, but I keep reminding myself that it somehow pays the bills. I was an assassin. How I was recruited I do not wish to relate. The thought that I once enjoyed this job is beyond me.
     I stared at the gun in my hand. It was warm from firing the bullet. Tears streamed down my face as I looked into the cold, dead eyes of the woman I had just murdered. Yes, this was murder. I don't even know who she was or why I was supposed to kill her. They don't tell me anything except  that I have a job to do and where. I know nothing about these people. I'm just a pawn in a bigger war. I hate it.
     The job was finished. After this one I have to quit, but I don't know if they'll let me. I know too much and I'm a danger to everyone I know. I know at least 500 ways to kill someone, be it sword, dagger, guns, or physical. God! I need to get out! But how?
      I turned away from the corpse as I put my gun back into my purse which had fallen to the floor in the struggle. I stayed too long. A minute longer and I'd have someone else to deal with. In 48 hours I could go home, or so I believed.


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      "What? You Want to quit? You're way too valuable an assassin. No, No, NO!" My handler nearly shouted at me. He hated losing his people.
      "But I want out. I"m tired of killing innocent people and being a pawn in this war." I was sick and tired of what he had to say.
      "Emma! Must I remind you that they are NOT innocent and you're not a pawn? You're a warrior and they deserve to die." He was adamant.
      "And how can you decide who dies? How can you justify death? How can you give out life? In my favourite movie someone says something like this: 'Many who have lived deserve death and many who have died deserved life, but can you give it them?' No! You can't! I don't want to take another life as long as I live! Do you think I can sleep at night without seeing their faces? Do you think I can live with myself without this agony? To STILL hear their screams? To lie awake at night and wish so hard i could have chosen a different path? It is painful. I need to get out. I have to go before I go insane! And when I go, don't you dare send someone after me like I went a Jason Bourne. Cause I didn't! I'm begging!"
      "Who's Jason Bourne? my handler had a stupid puzzled look on his face.
      "That's all you got from that?" I shook my head. "Jason Bourne is a fictional assassin in the trilogy called The Bourne Trilogy. He lost his memory after an assignment and his employers sent men after him to kill him because he fails his mission, etc. Except Jason kills the assassins sent after him and disappeared in the end. Now please let me go!" I rushed the plot of the movies I liked. I was determined to be released.
       "No, you're in too deep." My worst fear came to life as he uttered the words I dreaded. Maybe I should go Jason Bourne. "You're in hot water, Emma. If you do go Jason Bourne we will be after you. Don't you remember how we found you? Lost, no family... shall I go on?"
       "NO! I can't believe this! Don't you people care that I have nightmares? Don't you care that I have to see those faces every night? Oh, those faces of every single man, woman, and child I have killed! Just shoot me now if I can't  go!" I shouted hysterically.
        "Here's a prescription for a new drug. Take it every night. Maybe the hallucinations will go away." He didn't care.


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Too be Continued!!!!!!

Raw Outlinings of the deeper mindset

      Today I feel totally unpredictable. My mind has been blown. I pretend everything is all right, though it is not. I pretend not to care, but I do. My heart has been divided. I am rambling, but I do not care. Something has been broken and cannot be mended again. But why? What has been lost? I cannot understand these musings, whilst there is not hope. I'm told to let go, but let go of what, I wonder?
       There is laughter in the crowd and there are so many liars. There is turmoil in the midst. One answer is told but then changes quite suddenly. How come deceit has been allowed to endure? How can man not care, I so wonder?
       Surely there is Hope! Surely there is Love! There must be more to this world than total destruction. Will there ever be Peace? Surely God meant more for man than this? Do we forget what He has done for us?
       One day there will be Peace. It shall be when my King triumphs over all and calls home His children who have suffered. Until then, my brothers, let God be Praised!