Another Story in the making: Desire for Freedom

     My throat tightened as I felt the blood splatter across my face. I hated this job, but I keep reminding myself that it somehow pays the bills. I was an assassin. How I was recruited I do not wish to relate. The thought that I once enjoyed this job is beyond me.
     I stared at the gun in my hand. It was warm from firing the bullet. Tears streamed down my face as I looked into the cold, dead eyes of the woman I had just murdered. Yes, this was murder. I don't even know who she was or why I was supposed to kill her. They don't tell me anything except  that I have a job to do and where. I know nothing about these people. I'm just a pawn in a bigger war. I hate it.
     The job was finished. After this one I have to quit, but I don't know if they'll let me. I know too much and I'm a danger to everyone I know. I know at least 500 ways to kill someone, be it sword, dagger, guns, or physical. God! I need to get out! But how?
      I turned away from the corpse as I put my gun back into my purse which had fallen to the floor in the struggle. I stayed too long. A minute longer and I'd have someone else to deal with. In 48 hours I could go home, or so I believed.


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      "What? You Want to quit? You're way too valuable an assassin. No, No, NO!" My handler nearly shouted at me. He hated losing his people.
      "But I want out. I"m tired of killing innocent people and being a pawn in this war." I was sick and tired of what he had to say.
      "Emma! Must I remind you that they are NOT innocent and you're not a pawn? You're a warrior and they deserve to die." He was adamant.
      "And how can you decide who dies? How can you justify death? How can you give out life? In my favourite movie someone says something like this: 'Many who have lived deserve death and many who have died deserved life, but can you give it them?' No! You can't! I don't want to take another life as long as I live! Do you think I can sleep at night without seeing their faces? Do you think I can live with myself without this agony? To STILL hear their screams? To lie awake at night and wish so hard i could have chosen a different path? It is painful. I need to get out. I have to go before I go insane! And when I go, don't you dare send someone after me like I went a Jason Bourne. Cause I didn't! I'm begging!"
      "Who's Jason Bourne? my handler had a stupid puzzled look on his face.
      "That's all you got from that?" I shook my head. "Jason Bourne is a fictional assassin in the trilogy called The Bourne Trilogy. He lost his memory after an assignment and his employers sent men after him to kill him because he fails his mission, etc. Except Jason kills the assassins sent after him and disappeared in the end. Now please let me go!" I rushed the plot of the movies I liked. I was determined to be released.
       "No, you're in too deep." My worst fear came to life as he uttered the words I dreaded. Maybe I should go Jason Bourne. "You're in hot water, Emma. If you do go Jason Bourne we will be after you. Don't you remember how we found you? Lost, no family... shall I go on?"
       "NO! I can't believe this! Don't you people care that I have nightmares? Don't you care that I have to see those faces every night? Oh, those faces of every single man, woman, and child I have killed! Just shoot me now if I can't  go!" I shouted hysterically.
        "Here's a prescription for a new drug. Take it every night. Maybe the hallucinations will go away." He didn't care.


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Too be Continued!!!!!!

Raw Outlinings of the deeper mindset

      Today I feel totally unpredictable. My mind has been blown. I pretend everything is all right, though it is not. I pretend not to care, but I do. My heart has been divided. I am rambling, but I do not care. Something has been broken and cannot be mended again. But why? What has been lost? I cannot understand these musings, whilst there is not hope. I'm told to let go, but let go of what, I wonder?
       There is laughter in the crowd and there are so many liars. There is turmoil in the midst. One answer is told but then changes quite suddenly. How come deceit has been allowed to endure? How can man not care, I so wonder?
       Surely there is Hope! Surely there is Love! There must be more to this world than total destruction. Will there ever be Peace? Surely God meant more for man than this? Do we forget what He has done for us?
       One day there will be Peace. It shall be when my King triumphs over all and calls home His children who have suffered. Until then, my brothers, let God be Praised!

What's become of my dreams?

I can't dream anymore.

I can't sleep through the night.

I cannot even breath.

I can't hold these tears back.

I've lost hope.

Baby, I don't believe

That you will come.

I've waited all the day.

I've waited all night.

I've looked far; I've looked near,

But there's no one there.

I am lost,

Baby, please come find me.

I need my true love.

You are far away,

I cannot remember you.

Should we have met once?

What would you say and do?

I can't dream anymore.

I can't sleep through the night.

I cannot even breath.

I can't hold back my tears.

Lost

Hold me,

I'm slowly losing hold.

Hold me,

I'm crying every last tear.

Hold me,

I'm gonna die.

Hold me,

I've just lost it all.

Hold me,

Help me to sleep again.

Hold me,

Teach me to dream like a child.

Hold me,

These tears won't end.

Hold me,

Help me to remember.

Hold me,

Bring me home forever.

Tonight

Tonight I'm crying.

Tonight I saw your end.

Tonight I am losing.

Tonight I'm dying.

Tomorrow we'll go away,

Never say goodbye.

Never look back,

You broke the rules and trust.

There goes what could have been.

You lied like no other.

Can't believe I called you brother.

No! I just can't believe it!

You lost ev'ry thing;

One foolish choice you picked.

In one breath you lost it,

One thought tore you apart.

You're a liar and psycho.

I believed in you,

But you tore my heart.

Don't say goodbye, ears won't hear.

South - a small piece of one of my stories

Kathleen sat in her room with a tearstained letter and a broken heart. This was the second time she had broken her heart. She had sworn she’d never  have to break it again, but the lad had made her feel like a real person again. When he left her world and walked onto the battlefield he was lost forever. He was perfect for Kathleen. He owned a darling little farmhouse in Hampshire. They were to be married once he returned from the war.  Fate, however, said the he would not be coming home.
    As Kathleen cried her heart out, she reread the letter for the millionth time.

April 24, 1812

  To: Miss Kathleen Johnson,

I regret to inform you that Matthew Balfore went missing in action about a month ago. He is assumed to have  fought at Waterloo where Napoleon  fell, but his actual whereabouts are unknown. He is assumed to have departed  this life and moved on to Paradise.
General Peterson

    General Peterson was Matthew’s closest friend. He would have been Matthew’s best man. Before the war he was known as Nathaniel Peterson.
    Sobs of anger and sorrow swept through Kathleen. She was angry at Matthew for leaving and  for dying. She was angry at General Peterson for telling her a month after he fiancé’s departure. She was sorry she had not actually married Matthew the month before he left. She was sorry she did not die too.

    “Kathleen! Kathleen! General Peterson is here! The war is over! Soon we should expect Matthew and a wedding in June!” Carrie called her sister. She knew not of the contents of the letter. “Kathleeeeeen!” screeched Carrie as she stood under the stairs. “Come down, come down! We are to have tea with General Peterson.  Oh, I almost forgot! Mandy, Roselyn, and Althea are here too!” Kathleen sighed at her sister’s habit of raising her voice to an unladylike volume. She would never learn.
    “I’m coming, Carrie.” sighed Kathleen as she stood on wobbly knees and made her way to the basin of water.  I will not tell her of Matthew’s passing yet . I’ll wait until I absolutely need to tell anyone. If I say anything I’ll burst into tears again. She thought as she splashed her face with water and dried it with a clean hand towel.  
    Composure is everything now. Keep my head high and allow no tears to be seen. Just smile and nod. Thoughts passed through her head as she stately on still wobbly knees walked down the stairs to her awaiting friends and sister.
    “There you are! Now get your shawl we are about to take a lovely walk to the village.” Carrie spoke in a much to loud voice.
    “Carrie, friends, please do excuse me this once. I have some things I need to do here at home. Perhaps I can journey out later and meet you at say, um, the Mercantile?” Hopefully asked Kathleen.
    “Of course. If you wish it.” General Peterson spoke with an understanding that shot over everyone else’s heads.
     “Yes, of course. We can indeed meet you at the Mercantile. See you then?” Carrie finally spoke in a more genteel manner.
    “Thank you, indeed. I am most obliged.” Kathleen replied as the party left.
    With an aching heart she sat at the pianoforte in the parlour. Idly her fingers past over the black and white keys as tears slid down her face. With a very heavy heart she began to play her father’s favorite tune. However, at the third cord she burst into loud sobs. She couldn’t play another note.  Weakly she made her way back to her room on the second floor.
    I have to move on no matter how it hurts. I have to make it through today. Oh, Father in Heaven help me with my sorrow. I cannot move on with out you. I cannot survive with you, God. Show me what I am to do now. My life is in your hands, Father.  Silently Kathleen prayed to her Father in Heaven. She knew that without Him she could not stop her flowing tears or even make it through the next few days.
    Now I must go for a walk and meet my sister and friends at the Mercantile. First thing to do is clean up. Then inform Father of my whereabouts. Then walk. Yes, that is what I need to do. Then tomorrow inform my parents of Matthew’s death. Oh, God help me. Kathleen thought as she burst in to another flood of tears at the thought of Matthew’s name.
   Within another few minutes the tears upon her face stopped for  the moment. Then she stood and took a few steps, but with dizziness and fatigue she fell forward and it her head on a footstool. The knock took her out of the world for a few hours.
    “Kathleen? Oh my goodness! General Peterson! Somebody get some help! Kathleen has hit her head on the footstool! Someone get the doctor!” Carrie shouted out to the people down stairs.
    “I’ll run down the physician’s office at once! Should I call on anyone else you should need?” General Peterson was all servant mode for the moment.
    “Oh, I don’t know. Oh, I do know my mother is down at the Bakers for tea; get her. Get Father from the Thomson’s too. And Aunt Maryweather is at the town hall. We need her too.” Carrie fretted as she carefully, with the help of General Peterson, place Kathleen on the bed.
     Kathleen moaned her pain as Carrie and General Peterson moved her. Traces of wet tears still were on her face, even her pillow was damp with tears. Her sister wondered the cause of them all. She knew that they couldn’t be from hitting her head, yet she posed no questions.


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    Matthew Balfore ran for his life as shots were fired behind him by the enemy.  He was covered in ash, dirt, and sweat. He had seen many things while he was here. He knew real sorrow. He knew what it was like to lose a close friend, a friend shot and killed, and a neighbor stabbed to death at the mercy of his captor. These were not pretty sights, indeed, but Matthew had endured them.

Psalm 15

Lord, Lord who can live in your temple? Who can ever dare to wander in your heavenly gates? Oh, Lord, those traits which we must own to, how can we achieve them? We are weak and vulnerable humans. We don't have the disciple to walk blameless or do what is right. We don't know how to say the truth and not do wrong to our friends. How can we despise a bad person and honor you?
Aren't we all full of blame? Aren't we all  foolish and can't come close? Our weak souls don't know how to keep an oath when it hurts.
Is there a way for man? Is there truly a way? Only through Christ Jesus, our saviour. Teach us, O Lord, to follow you and to be cleared of our folly. Help us to honor you through what we do. Help us to not be shaken. Be our Rock. Be our Strength.

Home to Stay

I am home, 

 Home to stay forever. 

 Shall not leave, 

It is safe inside. 

 God’s hand, 

Is where I shall live. 

 In his arms 

I find salvation. 

 In his arms 

I shall never leave. 

 Forgiven, 

Forgiven am I. 

 His mercy 

Is everlasting. 

 In him I 

Find strength to live. 

 He shall be 

Forevermore King.